Unspoken Tragedies/ Being a Survivor

The buzz of the Penn State cover-up is now dying down. Many people do not agree that Joe Paterno should have been fired. But most people can agree that the recent events at Penn State (that shocked the Nation) were heart wrenching as were the acts of Jerry Sandusky. As sad as these event are, hopefully it will be the catalyst for positive change especially when it comes to protecting America’s children.

I have NOT shared my views of Penn State openly because I did not want to offend others. Recently I went to an open forum hosted by the Baltimore Child Abuse Center and realized how important it is for the general public to be educated about child abuse and proper reporting. In addition, it is tantamount that survivors speak up and let victims know that they are not alone and that there is life after abuse (Thank you Oprah and Tyler Perry). Saying that you are a survivor of child abuse is not an issue of trying to relive past wrongs but changing society’s view of victims as damaged goods. Perhaps over time empathy will become one of America’s core values and we can create an environment for healing and change.

I like so many others am a survivor. I am claiming my voice for all those who can not speak up. I will not publically disclose the names of those who abused me and have no desire to hurt those closest to me. I just want people to know that living in silence will kill you and that it takes courage beyond measure to speak out. My heart goes out to the Penn State victims. I know what it is like to have your life torn apart by a trial. I hope that once the cameras are off, the verdicts are in, and the guilty have been punished that they will find the healing, support, and understanding that they need to move their lives forward and someday emerge on the other side to embrace all the goodness life has to offer. May all of our hearts be with them! This is my fervent wish.

Best Kept Secrete in DC

Ealin is and immigrant from El Salvador who has been drawing since he was 5 years old. I met him on the Metro when I was going into DC this weekend. He works at an organic restaurant on 19th street. Ealin is very talented young artist who creates amazing sketches in pen (yes--I said pen). But I am sure that most people have never seen his sketch pad. He is struggling just to survive and suffers from not knowing how to get ahead in the United States or how to market himself or go to school. I hope his talent is not lost. Ealin generously gave me a picture exhibiting flowers and a butterfly—he is such a kind spirited young man. The picture said in broken English, “Love doesn’t make the world go round; it is what makes the ride worth while.” May he get the love he so desperately believes in.

Finding Your Center

Athena and I took off our shoes and walked barefoot on the grass at the Baysox minor leage field. It was so peaceful. It made me think of this phrase.

"There is a silence into which the world can not intrude. There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost. There is a sense of holiness in you the thought of sin has never touched."

A Course in Miracles--Lesson 164

The United States Capital Building

It has taken me a long time to own (openly) that I am a victim of child abuse and neglect and I have a unique perspective on life to share with the world. Abuse touches so many lives and is destructive because the experience is isolating and long lasting. If I close my eyes, I can remember the exact day my childhood ended. But this experience is not about me. The numbers of abused children ranks in the millions—it even out ranks cancer. One in every three women is abused and one in every six males is abused. These statistics put the amount of abuse as the leading systematic problem in the United States. This should never be!

Child abuse has a very real face. My face and the millions of others holding on to their sad secrets with scars so deep that they penetrate the bone and change who you are. I am here to tell you that tears really can kill you slowly from the inside out.

I never thought that such a childhood would lead me to the Capital of the United States of America to talk to Senators and Congress staff about federal funding regarding child abuse and neglect on behalf of the Children Advocacy Centers (CAC) and the National Children’s Alliance (NCA) that represent front line workers like the Baltimore Child Abuse Center who work with rape victims.

I was in awe of the day on Capital Hill. I live in the most powerful country in the world and I had the chance to help make a difference and speak for victims who still hurt inside. How humbling and gratifying it was to be apart of something bigger then myself.

On a personal note my favorite part of the day was riding on the private train from the Senate to the Capital Building and then to the House of Representatives. I was filled with childlike wonder at the experience. It was like being at Disney World but better. How often do we have the chance to walk in the halls of greatness? The feeling of being at the Capital of the United States of America was overwhelming. This childlike wonder is not to take away from the sad topic of federal cuts. Everyone should have the right to hold onto childlike wonder--especially the young.

We need people to work together on funding programs to alleviate Child Abuse and Neglect. This topic transcends the dynamics of being a Republican or a Democrat. It is a human issue which affects us all. Because when the light goes out of a child’s eyes they grow up to be adults that feel empty at their core and society pays an even bigger price; and the light that leaves-- is the light of God.

On the way home I saw a great advertisement on the Metro that struck me. It said "be seed planters not bean counters.” I believe this phrase applies very well to the budgetary cuts for child abuse and neglect.

Museum of Natural History

Last weekend I canceled everything off my calendar and took Zefram to the Museum of Natural History in DC. He loved this personal “mommy and me” time. We ate a bagged lunch, went to the exhibit on the human body and the new butterfly exhibit where we saw a brilliant blue South American butterfly-truly exquisite. However, Zefram was more impressed by the metro ride and turning his penny into a piece of art that looked like a lion. He had a great time in DC and I must admit that this is one of the best times that I have had with him. There were no melt downs and I got to see who Zefram really without any other distractions. For a brief moment life was all about him and this does not happen every day for a middle child. I am finding that in a family of 3 children it is important to give this personal attention. Sometimes parents just need to cancel everything off the calendar for the more important things like spending a little mommy and me time

Walking Pneumonia

Athena has Walking Pneumonia. This was discovered last week. She had a fever for 2 days in a row so I took her to the doctor but had dismissed the cough that she was having previously as spring time allergies. We were shocked to find she was really ill. She is doing better. They gave her a treatment with a nebulizer and put her on antibiotics. Sometimes it blows my mind that things like this pneumonia can slip through the cracks. It is a reminder to slow life down and pay attention to the little things. As for Athena, she is no worse for wear. She is happily drawing, dancing, and enjoying life. Her only complaint is that we have curtailed her running and biking.

End of Year Fun

Alex practices his skills at Field Day at Crofton Woods Elementary School.

Mothers Day Get Away

Our society has a pre-defined formula for what should happen on Mothers Days. It reads like a prescription from the Doctor’s office: Mom gets homemade trinkets from her children of their affection; breakfast in bed and then taken out to eat for dinner. It is a pretty standard response to the day, but what Mom wants may be very different from what she is getting. And in addition, her idea of what she wants may change from year to year. I admit outright that I am a bit different than the usual Mom, but I am sure I share some similarities with my fellow Moms out there. In my case, I usually try to escape off to some remote location for Mothers day. Yes folk, I want nothing more than to be by myself. My heartfelt desire is to have a day where I am not responsible for any life form in the house at least for a little while—I want to read a book in peace, take a nice walk in the woods. As selfish as this may sound it takes a toll on you to be responsible for everyone in the house all the time. You are responsible for the kids not running in the street, for adjudicating their domestic sibling disputes, for putting suntan lotion and bug spray on them and feeding them balanced meals, and making sure that they make good decisions. The list is endless. When you think about it, most everything that happens in your children’s lives is governed by you. Although it may seem fun to be in an all powerful totalitarian role (like God), being the dictator can get overwhelming at times. And yes—even Dictators need a vacation. So my biggest preference on Mother’s Day is to have a day away or turn all of my parental authority over to my husband. My favorite phrase on Mother’s Day to say is “I am not the parent on duty—go ask your Dad about that.” Then I very loudly escape off to the Mall where I am welcomed by endless hours of peace and quiet, of window shopping, getting a manicure, and sipping a cup of tea without having to say, “Stop that—keep your hands to yourself! Was that really nice?” I close my eyes and think. When will I be back? “Later” I whisper in my mind. “Later.”

Still Sad

Although we have Zeus we still miss Louie beyond words and everyone in the family still has grief waves from time to time. A matter of fact, Athena was outside in the backyard yesterday trying to make a boat so she could go find Louie. She sat on top of Louie's grave for hours. She finds comfort there. Athena is only four but it sounded like a ritual from ancient Egypt. Athena's grief waves are the hardest because I think she is doing well and then she reminds me that she still in mourning. The other day she was walking through the butter cups calling to Louie to wake up. The whole experience has taught us so much about, life, death and love.

New Puppy

The Universe served up the perfect Golden Retriever puppy on a silver platter at a price that made us joyous. All I had to do was follow a whim and drive 2 hours to and from Salisbury in the middle of the night to pick up Zeus. What a small price to pay for the perfect family companion for 10 plus years. So glad I read the newspaper that night.

Darkest before the Dawn

The death of our dog has been really hard. Our family cries for Louie and says goodbye with books, Eulogy and headstone. One of my friends said the sweetest thing. They said that human beings are made in the “image” of God but animals are made in the “heart” of God. This phrase was so comforting that we used it when we eulogized Louie and had a family funeral. Each person in the family got a rock to place on the headstone in the Jewish tradition for the funeral. The rock symbolized our sadness being so great that even the rocks from the earth cry out to the heavens with our pain. As we placed the rocks on the grave, we all shared nice memories that we had about Louie. Even my younger kids participated between fits of playing. Afterwards, we read books for several weeks and talked about our feelings. Some of the best books that we read were, Dog Heaven. Alex liked how Dog Heaven said that the Angels bring your pets back to visit you from time to time. He likes to imagine Louie playing snow balls in heaven and having fun but coming back to see him from time to time. The other book that we read was called the Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A story of life for all ages by Leo Buscaglia. This book was not specifically about animals passing but goes through the process of life. It is a very tender book and I even got a lot out of it. The last book that we looked at was the Ten Good Things about Barnie. Although this was about a cat I liked the idea of the book. The last thing about Barnie is that he made the flowers grow. In that vain, we planted Daffodils and Azaleas on Louie’s grave. The Daffodils are just coming up and they look so beautiful. By burrying Louie with our own two hands and trying to touch our grief in all of these ways, we feel more connected to the earth and to life. Hopefully these lessons will help our children as they face loss through out their life time. Hopefully we have given them the seeds for growth that they will take with them. This process has been a journey. At the very least, we needed to say good-bye and honor our friend before we could welcome a new dog into our lives and learn to love again. Louie was a great dog and we will always love him. He was one of a kind.

Old Rag Mountain, VA

Our family went to Old Rag Mountain this weekend with friends and did 10 miles. It was an experience filled with hiking, scrabbling and bouldering. Although we were sore, it was so worth it. For a brief and shining moment we were the family we have always wanted to be. Special thanks go to our host who made the Old Rag Mountain hike possible and a friend who lent us a backpack carrier for Athena. Without team effort this day could not happen.

We hope that these are the memories that our children remember when they grow up. Truly a breathtaking day.

St. Patricks Day

This picture says it all.

Scott's New Job

I don't know what Scott's new job title is at Verizon Wireless but I know it has Engineer in it and he is so very happy. I am just happy that he will no longer be working nights which was taking a toll on his body and hard for the whole family. This new job is a welcome change. The kids and I were so proud of Scott that we made this banner for him. Everyone helped. Zefram drew a rocket; Alex made the bubble letters; and Athena experimented with different color inks on the same letters.

Destination Imagination 2011

Scott coached Alex's Destination Imagination team for a 3rd time. The team did not go to States but gave it the old Hail Mary try. Scott said watching the team come together was like watching an episode of Rocky. Despite not pulling out the victory, they were dressed well. This was there logo.

Change and Unexpected Surprises

Today brought change and unexpected surprises. Scott was off from work today. So, we moved the furniture in our boy’s room under the guise that this would help Alex and Zefram get passed taboo bed wetting and help them learn to make their beds too. We debunked the beds and spent the day cleaning the dust balls out of the corners; only to find that the simple act of rearranging the furniture was cathartic. In fact, it was the change I have been looking for in my life for a while; who new something so simple as rearranging the furniture in a room could give you a new outlook on life. How wonderful! But the surprises didn’t stop there. I unearthed an unexpected surprise in the move. Scott had hidden a message on Zefram’s dresser that he had written many years ago with chalk. He had written:

I love you Alex
I love you Zef
I love you Athena
I love you Jena

The message was written there so if he ever died the family would have one last message from him. Scott is truly special. These are the things that make me smile and make life worth living.

Lent & Abstinence

Yesterday was the first day of Lent. It kicks off the 40 day period before Easter. In truth, I still cling to this Christian tradition and now practice it in my own home. Marking my head with ashes and giving up something I love for 40 days had all the appeal of a root canal when I was growing up. But I now find wisdom in this tradition. Henry Metzger once said that “you should never be ruled by your passions.” This is the essence of Lent—at least for me. There are so many attachments in life; attachments to our cell phones, cars, shoes, food, and even Starbucks. That is not to say that we should not enjoy life and enjoy these things, but it does mean that we should always be the master and not the servant to our whims and desires. In many ways I see Lent as the equivalent to Ramadan or Yom Kippur. It is a time of reflection and spiritual cleansing from the influences of the world. This internal reflection helps a human being on the road to enlightenment or being more like Christ. This is a part of the personal pilgrimage that a person needs to undergo to fully understand the joy of Easter morning.

This year I put ashes on my forehead and made a commitment to abstain from alcohol for 40 days. Ok, let’s be honest. I am making the commitment to stay away from wine for 40 days. This is a huge sacrifice for me! I am a connoisseur of wine. I love everything about wine from the tannins to the full body textures that personifies a nice barrel aged vintage. The experience of wine is one of the small pleasures of life. “Wine ... cheereth God and man.” as it so eloquently states in Judges, 9:13 I love everything from the way wine smells (the nose) to the way it tantalizes the pallet. Yes folks, wine is one of my main attachments in life and I have often joked that if I cannot reach enlightenment without a glass of wine in my hand I want no part of becoming a better human being. Nonetheless, I am taking a baby step into a brave new world in order to find a deeper meaning to this experience we call the human condition.

Last year I gave up meat for 40 days with the same goal and although I did not turn into a vegetarian it did make me think deeper about my relationship to the food that I eat and to animals I consume. Perhaps I will gain equal insight as I abstain from wine this year. At the very least it will make the glass of wine I have on April 24th that much more of a religious experience.

The Arrow of Light—Coming of Age Ceremony

One of the awesome things about living on 2 acres is that we have bonfires in our back yard. They are a staple of our home like peanut butter and jelly and they make us special; Most of the time our bonfires are private events held on Friday nights with friends but last night was different. Last night we played host to Cub Scout Troup 115’s Arrow of Light Ceremony. This is one of the biggest ceremonies in a Cub Scout's career. It is the only award that a Cub Scout can earn and be worn on their Boy Scout Uniform. We witnessed several young men recieve this award last night. Among them we watched our next door neighbor’s son and a young man (whose family was responsible for giving us Louie) both achieve the Arrow of Light. This gave the ceremony a personal touch. Amidst the flames and the solemn occasion proud parents looked on as their boys took the next step into manhood. It was a truly remarkable coming of age ceremony and the Cochrane Family was honored that we were recommended to host this prestigious event--especially Scott.

This event made such a huge impression on us, but would not have been possible without the many people who gave of their time. Thank you to everyone who made the Arrow of Light ceremony a success--especially our next door neighbor who went above and beyond to make the night great. He even handmade the Arrow of Light Awards that were given out at the ceremony.Wow! Now if that is not the measure of an involved Dad, I don’t know what is.

A Day on the Town for Athena

Aunt Kristina took Athena out for a day on the town leaving a happy Mom to rest and do chores. If the truth be told, Athena was elated to be going somewhere without mom. She kept running around the house saying “we are going out—but not you” as she pointed in my general direction. Athena did not mean this exclusion maliciously so I tried to redirect her language to be positive. I told her to say, “I want to spend private time with Aunt Kristina by myself, but I still love you.” At 4 years old politeness is not part of Athena’s language. She was right to be excited though. Her and Aunt Kristina had a lot of fun going to Chic-Fil-A. They had ice cream at Cold Stone and went shopping for a bird and doggie that she adores.

Happy Birthday Athena

Athena had her first birthday party at home with 9 children in attendance. This was her first party with friends in attendance; she was 4 years old on February 24th. Athena had a princess birthday and really got into all the gifts. She seemed shocked that they were all for her. She also had fun having costume changes throughout the day. The party was a nice reprieve from the sadness that our family has been experiencing. We are still sad about Louie’s death but trying to honor the happy times too.

A Letter to Louie

Dear Louie,

When someone leaves your life it is always the little things you miss the most. These little things seem so big after someone passes away. I want you to know that you meant so much to everyone in the Cochrane Family from the youngest member to the oldest. So I compiled a list of all the sweet things that made you special. Most of all, I remember your beautiful blond eye lashes that would have been the envy of any movie star; your soft kind chocolate eyes. Then there was your wagging. When you wagged your tail, your whole body seemed to wag almost like a Chinese parade dog. Also, you used to moan when my husband Scott rubbed your ears—and it would send us “All” into stitches of laughter. Several times a day you would playfully mouth my arm or toss my hand on top of your head for forced petting. It was too cute! I miss how you leaned up against me. You always craved affection as much as you craved food. You loved to carry around a small stuffed animal in your mouth—especially if the kids left them on the floor. I miss everything about you. I even miss your wet pink nose that turned black around the edges, your sweet face and the smell of your fur. You used to roll in the mud after every bath and thought you smelled as good as Channel #5. Pew!

You were never too far away especially early in the morning or late at night. You always kept vigil over me no matter if it was 11:30 PM or 4 AM in the morning. You were always there when I sat on the couch or right outside the kitchen door waiting to be called on. The thing that I remember the most about you Louie was how you would put your wet slimy nose in my hands when I was meditating. I tried never to crack a smile but I was always smiling on the inside. I miss how you were my dog. I would hold on to your neck and burry my face in your fur. You always gave me strength to face a day with my rambunctious children. I truly never new how happy you made my days.

When we first got you, you went through an episode of peeing on our carpets but we got through all that—and life was good. In truth, your house manors were so very good by dog standards. You “came” when “called” which is more then I can say for my kids. You used to lie still when I brushed your fur and even used to change sides. You never growled at us—ever! Not even when things hurt. You never jumped on anyone. You welcomed everyone at the door--and still we could dismiss you with a single word and you would go without a fuss. You were such an agreeable dog.

Most of all I loved how you made me feel safe in my own house—especially at night when Scott was working nights. In the words of Alex—“You were brave.” Your size was imposing but you were our gentle giant. Even my 4 year old daughter could lead you around on the leash—and you loved it.

Everyone loved you. All our children friends loved you— people would come over to the house just to see you. Even the grown-ups loved you but you lived for the kids. It took so little to make you happy. A few snow balls and children to play with. You genuinely loved all the children with all of your heart. You were always with them when they were downstairs. You watched over them as if they were your cubs.

Louie, you were the calming influence in our lives; you were such a love; you were our mascot; our friend; you were our Louie.

With Love always,
The Cochrane Family

Good-Bye to an old Friend

Our Golden Retriever Louie died today. He was 8 years old and we are heartbroken. He died in my arms in the back yard on top of a blanket of new fallen snow. His last act was completely selfless. He tried to lift his head to look at me. I watched the spirit leave his body. He was so warm and there was nothing I could do to bring Louie back. I saw his eyes focus off into nothingness and pleaded for him to come back. I was in shock. How could my happy Puppy have died so suddenly. I have never felt so helpless in all my life.

Clean Break

I have not written on my blog in quite a while because I have been too caught up trying to do things that have been left undone from the past year to write or do anything new for the future. The New Year is supposed to symbolize change. This change is recognized around the world on the evening of December 31st. New Years symbolizes a clean break. In that spirit I was going to clean house and make lots of New Years resolutions in an effort to be the person I wanted to be. I had a long laundry list of To Do’s. I was going to work out and get back in shape, write on my book, write on my blog at least once a week, build direction into my life, and be a better parent. Like most people, I had a lot of dreams for 2011. I told myself, “This was going to be my year for greatness.”

In that vain, I set about to embark on a proverbial out with the OLD and in with the NEW attitude. But that did not work so well. I got real caught up in the OUT with the old and never got to the in with the NEW. The issue was I was carrying too much unresolved baggage from the old year. On December 31st I was still clamoring around trying to stop the hemorrhaging from 2010 instead of cutting everything loose. I had not started to think about the New Year back in November 2010 (when I should have been planning) and here it was and I was still thinking reactionary. As I sifted through the old Christmas gifts that I had not sent out in time, the old year journal that had not been completed, the clutter in the house—I became consumed in all the previous broken dreams instead of seeing that it had actually turned 2011 on the calendar. I will start 2011 next week I told myself optomistically. I just need to wrap up this project and then I can start anew. Soon, life began to pass me by: January 2nd came and went, my birthday, January 15th and then I looked up and it was already February and Valentines was here. Oh my God! What have I done with my life? It is already Valentines Day and I have failed to welcome in 2011.

It occurred to me that Clean breaks and thinking proactively to the future is very important. I remember reading about Thomas Edison with my son Zefram. Thomas Edison was an incredible man who changed the world with the illumination of the electric light bulb. One day Edison’s entire workshop burned to the ground. He commented that the fire had consumed all of his mistakes. Although many people would have been devastated by loosing all the OLD stuff it allowed him the opportunity to make a clean break and embrace the NEW like you should do on New Years. Sometimes we need clean breaks in life. 2011 is here like it or not. I need to embrace it even though it is the middle of February. Becoming the person that I am meant to be starts with having a great present moment, as Wayne Dyer so eloquently said. So I am going to start embracing the idea of 2011 in this moment. For me, in this very minute, it is 2011. Blessed be.

Looking back at 2010

As we ring in the New Year, I am taking a moment to look back at the highlights of last year.

Here is the summation of 2010 in no particular order. Our family wrote a Family Creed. Scott’s Grandma Ada passed away. We adopted a 7 year old Golden Retriever named Louie. We did our family vacation locally—and loved it. On a personal front: Scott is closing in on 10 years with Verizon Wireless. He became the Cub Scout Leader for Zefram’s Den and is running Alex’s Destination Imagination team as well as DI for Crofton Woods Elementary School. Jena has been appointed to the Maryland State Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, is now a Vigil Volunteer for Hospice of the Chesapeake, and a Lay Minister for the Unitarian Universalist Church in Annapolis.

She also had surgery to fix her torn rotator cuff. Alex entered 4th grade and is an avid reader and a WONDERFUL cellist who is coming into his own at school. He biked 22 miles in the Soft Shell Century. Zefram (our favorite middle child) went on ADHD medication which has been life changing for the entire family. He loves to build and create modern art from refuse. Last but not least, we are trying to rein Athena’s 3 year old Goddess temper in. She recently got potty trained and started pre-school at Community United Methodist Church. However, the biggest event this year was Scott and Jena renewing their 10 year wedding vows with family and friends.

May 2011 be as joyous and meaningful.