Still Sad

Although we have Zeus we still miss Louie beyond words and everyone in the family still has grief waves from time to time. A matter of fact, Athena was outside in the backyard yesterday trying to make a boat so she could go find Louie. She sat on top of Louie's grave for hours. She finds comfort there. Athena is only four but it sounded like a ritual from ancient Egypt. Athena's grief waves are the hardest because I think she is doing well and then she reminds me that she still in mourning. The other day she was walking through the butter cups calling to Louie to wake up. The whole experience has taught us so much about, life, death and love.

New Puppy

The Universe served up the perfect Golden Retriever puppy on a silver platter at a price that made us joyous. All I had to do was follow a whim and drive 2 hours to and from Salisbury in the middle of the night to pick up Zeus. What a small price to pay for the perfect family companion for 10 plus years. So glad I read the newspaper that night.

Change and Unexpected Surprises

Today brought change and unexpected surprises. Scott was off from work today. So, we moved the furniture in our boy’s room under the guise that this would help Alex and Zefram get passed taboo bed wetting and help them learn to make their beds too. We debunked the beds and spent the day cleaning the dust balls out of the corners; only to find that the simple act of rearranging the furniture was cathartic. In fact, it was the change I have been looking for in my life for a while; who new something so simple as rearranging the furniture in a room could give you a new outlook on life. How wonderful! But the surprises didn’t stop there. I unearthed an unexpected surprise in the move. Scott had hidden a message on Zefram’s dresser that he had written many years ago with chalk. He had written:

I love you Alex
I love you Zef
I love you Athena
I love you Jena

The message was written there so if he ever died the family would have one last message from him. Scott is truly special. These are the things that make me smile and make life worth living.

A Letter to Louie

Dear Louie,

When someone leaves your life it is always the little things you miss the most. These little things seem so big after someone passes away. I want you to know that you meant so much to everyone in the Cochrane Family from the youngest member to the oldest. So I compiled a list of all the sweet things that made you special. Most of all, I remember your beautiful blond eye lashes that would have been the envy of any movie star; your soft kind chocolate eyes. Then there was your wagging. When you wagged your tail, your whole body seemed to wag almost like a Chinese parade dog. Also, you used to moan when my husband Scott rubbed your ears—and it would send us “All” into stitches of laughter. Several times a day you would playfully mouth my arm or toss my hand on top of your head for forced petting. It was too cute! I miss how you leaned up against me. You always craved affection as much as you craved food. You loved to carry around a small stuffed animal in your mouth—especially if the kids left them on the floor. I miss everything about you. I even miss your wet pink nose that turned black around the edges, your sweet face and the smell of your fur. You used to roll in the mud after every bath and thought you smelled as good as Channel #5. Pew!

You were never too far away especially early in the morning or late at night. You always kept vigil over me no matter if it was 11:30 PM or 4 AM in the morning. You were always there when I sat on the couch or right outside the kitchen door waiting to be called on. The thing that I remember the most about you Louie was how you would put your wet slimy nose in my hands when I was meditating. I tried never to crack a smile but I was always smiling on the inside. I miss how you were my dog. I would hold on to your neck and burry my face in your fur. You always gave me strength to face a day with my rambunctious children. I truly never new how happy you made my days.

When we first got you, you went through an episode of peeing on our carpets but we got through all that—and life was good. In truth, your house manors were so very good by dog standards. You “came” when “called” which is more then I can say for my kids. You used to lie still when I brushed your fur and even used to change sides. You never growled at us—ever! Not even when things hurt. You never jumped on anyone. You welcomed everyone at the door--and still we could dismiss you with a single word and you would go without a fuss. You were such an agreeable dog.

Most of all I loved how you made me feel safe in my own house—especially at night when Scott was working nights. In the words of Alex—“You were brave.” Your size was imposing but you were our gentle giant. Even my 4 year old daughter could lead you around on the leash—and you loved it.

Everyone loved you. All our children friends loved you— people would come over to the house just to see you. Even the grown-ups loved you but you lived for the kids. It took so little to make you happy. A few snow balls and children to play with. You genuinely loved all the children with all of your heart. You were always with them when they were downstairs. You watched over them as if they were your cubs.

Louie, you were the calming influence in our lives; you were such a love; you were our mascot; our friend; you were our Louie.

With Love always,
The Cochrane Family

Can you still be in Love after 9 years?

Recently Scott and I celebrated our 9th Wedding Anniversary. This made me ponder the concept of love as it relates to our marriage.

I feel that the love between my husband Scott and I is a sacred bond. It is most important because the union of our love created our 3 children, who are life itself. All the other loves in my life have been preparatory to this moment, so that I can be part of this creative loving energy. Together Scott and I are the yin and the yang, the sky and the earth. In no other life endeavor do I think that we will fulfill more of our purpose then in the unity of our love for one another. The love between us is the source of creation; and so it is with every couple who come together in love. This unity is so special that I will go even as far as to say that my love for my husband surpasses my love for my children because without that love my children would not exist; and my love for my children surpasses everything else. In religious terms the love of our family can be explained symbolically through the trinity. We are 3 loves in one, but all the pieces are important and unbounded. Being so centrally important to our lives, and being essentially boundless (limitless), love is a complicated thing. After 9 years of marriage and the demands of the everyday, it is hard to think of our marriage as sacred or to feel the sweet euphoria of intoxicated lovers. In a lot of ways, the love of marriage reminds me more of a river in nature then the trinity. It has calm parts, and then treacherous waters that seem to never end. Sometimes the river of love runs deep and other times there is barely a trickle in the river bed. However the water, like our spirits, is not deterred. Somehow the water is miraculously pulled toward the ocean as we are pulled toward our source in God. Despite how rocky the terrain, water still remains the most powerful force on earth. It sustains us and moves us forward. Water has the ability to gently romance us or to drown us. So it is with love. The faces of love are ever changing as the river changes from morning to night. Recently, Scott and I watched the tail end of the Disney movie ‘Pocahontas’. In it, Mother Willow (who embodies the spirit of God) says, “You do not know what will happen around the river bend.” And so it is with love. Love is a great river of experiences and it has many twists and turns that breath new life into every current. Recently, my son Alex discovered that the Mississippi river is 2,348 miles long. Although our lives can not be measured is such exact terms, they (like the river) will have many ups and downs over the journey of a thousand miles. The question is never about whether there will be rocks and rapids along the way, but how we will navigate them as we get pulled along toward the ocean.

Then as it was, then again it will be
And though the course may change
sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone

Iron Girl Triathlon

There are 5 new 2009 Iron Girls today in Crofton Maryland! Five members of Team Terry (including myself) finished the Columbia Iron Girl Triathlon. One of our team members could not race because of last minute medical complications. But being a veteran Iron Girl herself she did the next best thing by coming out and cheering for the rest of us and galvanized the group. Everyone did fabulous. Personally, I finished the Iron Girl in 2:27. My strongest event was the Bike.

I am sure that Terry Hendrix was looking down from heaven and cheering the entire team on. Her spirit was an inspiration while training for the race this last year and she was so thrilled that the pre-school mom’s were doing the race in her name. It is ironic that we started racing for her as a moral booster but it was Terry who gave us the inspiration to go the extra mile. Her never quit attitude helped me conquer my fear of the water. I often would go to the pool and say to myself, “If Terry can go through chemo, I can swim another lap.” Who new I would be able to swim in open water in less then one year from learning something besides the doggy paddle.

I am so grateful to all the people that got me to the finish line yesterday. I have so many people to thank. First of all, I have to thank Team Terry for encouraging me to sign up last November. The Pre-School Mom’s of Crofton Rock. I have secretly wanted to do a triathlon since I saw a mom do one on TV years ago. They gave me the push.

Thank you Kris O’krepki for the lending me her racing bike. Wow—who new you could go that fast. It was totally cool!

I am thankful to my husband who taught me how to swim and introduced me to the bike and watched the kids while I trained.

I am thankful to Mike (who is a 3 time Iron Man) that taught me how to change my gear shifts, rode with me, helped me change tires, gave me lots of pearls of wisdom and encouraged me to sign up for the Mid Maryland Tri Club. He was a Godsend!

Mid Maryland Tri Club was a huge blessing too. They were just what I needed. The support that they gave me was the key to having a phenomenal race. Each one of them helped me in so many ways and gave me encouragement, wisdom, food and friendship. Can anyone ask for more in life? I am eternally grateful.

I am thankful to the Medical Community. The Nurses at Nighttime Pediatrics that cleaned my road rash when I fell off the bike and gave me so much advice. And of course I am forever grateful to Anne Arundel Orthopedic Surgeons for putting me back together. The physical therapist at Waugh Chapel for helping me work through last year’s surgery.

I am thankful for Bikram Yoga. Bikram Yoga of Severna Park & Emily played a big part in my healing process. It gave me a full body work out that was as intense as running a marathon in 90 minutes without the intense pounding on my body. It is my secret weapon of how I kept my strength while I was still healing. I now love Yoga so much that it will continue to be a life long persuite.

I am thankful to Sport Fit. They were a great training ground. I appreciate their daycare, and their great pool. And of course, Arthur who was so fantastic at cheering me on. I will miss his smiling face and him saying “You can do it Mamma.”

I am thankful to Nightmare Graphics for the great race shirts and to Ulman Young Cancer Society for their encouragement and helping us make the connection with Nightmare Graphics.

Also—a big shout out must go to Princeton Sports who are the Nordstrum of the Sporting Goods industry. Stoney helped make sure that I had tires for the bike which they had to specially order. They don’t make wheels like mine since the 1980’s but he got the job done. Also, thanks to Denise who helped me by selling me clipless pedals a week before the race and taught me how to use them so I would not be left in the dust on race day. Without Princeton Sports support I would not have done as well on race day. A thousand thanks!

I am extremely grateful to my Grandmother Iole Kollar who came from Florida to watch me do the Iron Girl. We had Sushi the night before like we did when I was growing up and living together. She has been my best and most wonderful cheerleader all of my life. I can still see her driving the car behind me while I was learning to run for my marathons as a kid. Just having her with me on race day was a source of strength. I love her so much and having her there made all the difference.

Of course no Mom ever does anything spectacular without the thought of their children being close at hand. I am thankful to my 3 little ones for constantly challenging me to be the best Mom that I can be. It was exhilarating when they would run with me when I came into the neighborhood on training runs, or how they came outside to watch as I tried to learn to not fall off the bike.

Also special thanks go out to Christine Kellar for trying to tell our story because some stories grow past the individual and become about us all.

Most of all, I am forever grateful to each person, who reached out with emails, facebook postings, phone calls, and prayers. Each high five, and encouraging word helped me get across the finish line—this support was immeasurably important. Each word spoke directly to my heart.

Finishing the Iron Girl Triathlon has taught me that all dreams can come true, but when we cross the finish line, it is because of the love and support of so many people that helped lift us up to our full potential. A million thanks to everyone!

Terry’s Independence Day

The 4th of July means a great deal to our country and has been steeped in majesty ever since 1776. It marks the official day that the Declaration of Independence was signed. The day is the anniversary of our founding fathers taking control of their destiny. Signing that document was a courageous act. It was a death sentence to every man who signed. But each of them made that heroic choice. They made the choice to make their stand; a choice to make things better for themselves, and for those who would come after them. The day is so special that not only do Americans celebrate our country hood, but we commemorate some of our founders who mysteriously died on that day. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe all passed away on the 4th of July. So when Terry Hendrix chose to pass away on the 233rd anniversary of the signing of Declaration of Independence she was following in the footsteps of greatness; many of those who new Terry have deemed the 4th of July “Terry’s Independence Day.” Like our founding fathers, Terry was feisty and fiercely independent and went out of the world in the manor in which she lived—on her own terms. Terry will not live on in the history books like all these great men but she will live on in the hearts and minds of those who came to love her and will never forget her. She was courageous in the face of cancer.

However what made Terry so remarkable was not the cancer, it was something bigger. She inspired the very best in everyone she met and lived each day to the fullest. Terry loved life and had a way of forgiving others when they did not live up to her expectations. I remember one such occasion when I did not show up to pick strawberries with her and she took it all in stride saying it was not meant to be. Terry had a way of looking beyond a person’s shortcomings and seeing who really was inside. It is those eyes that I often looked to when she was deep in the recesses of cancer because no matter how overwhelming the cancer was, Terry’s spirit never had cancer. You could see her soul fire burning within her even at the bitterest of times. Interesting enough, Terry did not ask why bad things happened to her—she merely asked why not her. Although the cancer would take Terry’s life at the end, it would not take her happiness. In a courageous act of heroism Terry wrote in lipstick on her mirror that she was healthy. And indeed she was; because she never let the cancer in. Cancer never corroded the beautiful person that lived within her body. Now she claims that independence every day as she floats through time and space “on the wings of Angels.” As you can tell, Terry was very special. Although I only new Terry Hendrix for a little over a year, I fell in love with her as so many people did. You simply couldn’t help it. All of those who knew her will bitterly weep for the 42 year old wife and mother who left the world a little too soon, but we are all better off for knowing her even for a brief moment. In our sadness, let us never forget that the ones that we leave behind today will always be carried to greatness in our hearts as we continue upon life’s journey. In each act of kindness that we do the Terry’s of the world will be shining through their independence from the bad things that sometimes can weigh so heavily on our hearts.

Empty Bed

I got out of bed and felt an overwhelming amount of sadness. The bed was empty. Scott was in England. The fact that he was gone was not a shock. We often take trips without each other, but it struck me of how much we talk to each other. When Scott goes to Virgina or Florida he is only a text message or an email away. This is not the case from London. It's radio silence, and the silence is deafening. It was as if he was here and then snatched away. On a small scale, this is what it must feel like when someone dies. One moment they are there and the next you are reaching for the phone and realize that you can’t talk to them. The feelings of sadness touched me deeply and reminded me of how much I love Scott. He means so much to me. It makes me appreciate him so much more to realize that he will not be in my life forever. It also makes me aware of my attachment to him. In Buddhism they say that all pain and suffering comes from your attachment to things. Our biggest attachments in life (without a doubt) are our loved ones. A small controlled simulation like this makes me contemplate how I would handle a situation if the worst would ever happen. Maybe one of the things that make death so hard is that we never talk about it so we are unprepared for all the emotions that go along with it like waking up in an empty bed. For now, I am very happy that Scott is coming back in a week, and buying a GSM phone while there to end the radio silence.

A Family Valentines Dinner for Five

One can hardly think of Valentines Day without thinking of a romantic dinner for two; but how about a romantic dinner for five. The Cochrane Family celebrated this holiday together on February 15th with a sit down dinner. We wanted to impress upon our children the type of family love that binds us together. At the end of dinner, everyone received a prize box with an assortment of mysteries inside. The kids were delighted by the suspense of it all. Each box was filled with bubbles, a piece of chocolate, a lollypop and an assortment of other things from the dollar store. The bubbles were the biggest hit of all. The kids played around the table for about 40 minutes with them. Athena was fascinated at trying to blow bubbles for the first time, and Alex was equally amused at seeing how many bubbles he could catch on his wand. The whole cost of the event was 19 dollars but the memories will last a life time.

Loving Myself on Valentines Day

Scott and Alex were out of town at Boy Scout Camp this weekend, so Valentines Day became an exercise in loving myself and making the day special for Zefram (4 years old) and Athena ( 2 years old). I started off the event by going to the gym and treating my body to a wonderful yoga session and a ten lap swim. Yes—folks nothing says I love you like twisting into tree pose or relaxing into downward facing dog. Afterwards, the kids and I went out to eat at the Italian Market—Zefram’s choice. While we waited for our Cheese Pizza to cook, the kids and I tantalized our taste buds with gelato ice cream. Zefram’s really got into eating his dessert first and his face was covered with chocolate ice cream. He looked so cute! I had a glass of wine to commemorate the event and Athena had fun pealing the cheese off the pizza in long strings which she meticulously ate. This may not be the traditional idea of Valentines Day, but I have found that life is what you make it. Treating myself special is almost more important then having someone else treat me special. By going to yoga, eating my dessert first, and treating myself to a glass of Cabernet I was telling myself that--"I love you" in my own special way. My kids got to see me make the day extrordinary for me and them. This I think is one of the great life lessons. The bottom line is, I had a wonderful time and I definitely had that loving feeling at the end of the day. What a Valentines Day!