Change and Unexpected Surprises

Today brought change and unexpected surprises. Scott was off from work today. So, we moved the furniture in our boy’s room under the guise that this would help Alex and Zefram get passed taboo bed wetting and help them learn to make their beds too. We debunked the beds and spent the day cleaning the dust balls out of the corners; only to find that the simple act of rearranging the furniture was cathartic. In fact, it was the change I have been looking for in my life for a while; who new something so simple as rearranging the furniture in a room could give you a new outlook on life. How wonderful! But the surprises didn’t stop there. I unearthed an unexpected surprise in the move. Scott had hidden a message on Zefram’s dresser that he had written many years ago with chalk. He had written:

I love you Alex
I love you Zef
I love you Athena
I love you Jena

The message was written there so if he ever died the family would have one last message from him. Scott is truly special. These are the things that make me smile and make life worth living.

Looking back at 2010

As we ring in the New Year, I am taking a moment to look back at the highlights of last year.

Here is the summation of 2010 in no particular order. Our family wrote a Family Creed. Scott’s Grandma Ada passed away. We adopted a 7 year old Golden Retriever named Louie. We did our family vacation locally—and loved it. On a personal front: Scott is closing in on 10 years with Verizon Wireless. He became the Cub Scout Leader for Zefram’s Den and is running Alex’s Destination Imagination team as well as DI for Crofton Woods Elementary School. Jena has been appointed to the Maryland State Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, is now a Vigil Volunteer for Hospice of the Chesapeake, and a Lay Minister for the Unitarian Universalist Church in Annapolis.

She also had surgery to fix her torn rotator cuff. Alex entered 4th grade and is an avid reader and a WONDERFUL cellist who is coming into his own at school. He biked 22 miles in the Soft Shell Century. Zefram (our favorite middle child) went on ADHD medication which has been life changing for the entire family. He loves to build and create modern art from refuse. Last but not least, we are trying to rein Athena’s 3 year old Goddess temper in. She recently got potty trained and started pre-school at Community United Methodist Church. However, the biggest event this year was Scott and Jena renewing their 10 year wedding vows with family and friends.

May 2011 be as joyous and meaningful.

Love is Blind

When we say that “Love is Blind” we often think of two people in love like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but the phrase has implications on every relationship that we have. Over time I have learned that any love worth having is truly blind. Recently our family adopted a 7 year old dog named Louie. Unfortunately, Louie had a habit of using my carpet as his own personal latrine. Louie has another bad habit of rolling in smelly stuff. Although we were able to curb his inside behavior, he still comes in smelling pretty awful at least once a week. We thought that these behaviors were deal breakers when we first got Louie. They made me see red—as I am the one who usually cleans up the mess. Then one day my perspective changed. I saw Louie playing on the floor with my 3 year old daughter. Athena was rolling over Louie like a steam roller. Louie just sat there and happily obliged her every whim. He even allowed her to walk him around the house on a leash, dress him up, and tie him to whatever fancied her heart. Louie is very good tempered and is like this with all my children all the time. He loves being a family dog and rises to the occasion of whatever my kids throw at him without getting the slightest bit growly. As I looked at him and Athena playing together on the carpet, I realized that “love is blind.” I had to admit it to myself. I definitely love Louie—stinky dog smell and all. The simple fact is that I can focus on the 10% that Louie does wrong and be miserable or I can focus on the 90%that makes our family happy.

In truth, everyone is like Louie. We all have traits and habits and indiscretions that others find loathsome. We all metaphorically roll in things that don’t smell so good from time to time. There are no perfect people. For example I love my son but he is a drama king, my other son is hyperactive and my daughter would be perfect if she wasn’t such a bossy little creature. Don’t even let me get started about my husband or my grandmother. However, in order to really love them or anyone for that matter we must be willing to look past their faults and see their perfection. Like Louie, it is not the fact that they roll in smelly stuff that matters, it is that for the other 90% of the day my kids are amazing and so is my Husband and Grandmother as well as anyone I know.

This action of seeing people’s perfection instead of their limitations is driven home this time of year as we get together with friends and family for Thanksgiving. As we sit at the Thanksgiving table look at all the people across from us. We are reminded that each one of them carries baggage that we don’t like and don’t talk about in civil company. I will go as far as to say we would not even associate with some of them if they were not related to us. Every one of the people around you at the table has foibles. They’re Republicans or Democrats. They’re homosexual or homophobic. They’re drunks or teetotalers, fundamentalists, agnostics or atheists. They are a whole host of other ‘-ists’ that we find intolerable. You name your poison; the list goes on and on. They are all represented at the Thanksgiving table and we break bread with them anyway despite the elephant in the room and the enforced silence about certain topics. Without this blind spot that you make for the people you love we would not be able to love them at all. So yes—love is blind. It should be no other way. After all, much like the inclusions in a diamond, it is our imperfections that make us special.

Surgery and my Global Family

When things like surgery happen to you it makes you contemplate our global existence and how family fits into that. When I first found out that I was going to have surgery I was very sad because I do not have a lot of family that is close in proximity to me in Maryland. 100 years ago it was our immediate family in the village or tribe (where we grew up) that took care of us when life went wrong. However since families live so far away in 21st century, I have had to transition to a more global way of looking at the idea of family. In order to deal with the distance between blood related families it is imperative that we treat the world at large as our extended family doing for them what we would have done for our families in small tribes. Not only is it important to give people in our community care but it is important to take help from those around us when life goes aerie. The word “family” has to be more linked today with geographic location rather then blood ties. In a recent meditation that I had before I went to the hospital I was reminded that I am a child of the universe not just of two earthly parents. Therefore everyone is technically my family and there are no divisions between us. We are all children of the universe. Some would say we are decedents of Adam and Eve and the spark of God lives in each and every one of us. Wherever there are people we have family. There is no such thing as being alone.

Today I was blessed by being the recipient of this new type of global family and I am so grateful. My surgery went very well. All the doctors and nurses took such good care of me at the Edward Pavilion at Anne Arundel Medical Center but I found a special connection to my Anesthesiologist who was this amazingly beautiful woman who had four children about the same ages as mine. We swapped parent stories and laughed so much the tears were almost ran down my face. My Anesthesiologist told me that she would be with me every step of the way in the operating room. Although each person that I came across today at the hospital treated me with dignity and respect (and even a smile) I was ecstatic when my doctor told me that my rotator cuff and ligament were only 20% torn which means I will be out of the sling in 3 days and recovery will be only a month. This was the best case scenario and is a dream come true--especially with 3 kids at home. I owe so many people thanks today for uplifting me and helping me to get well. I owe thanks not only the people that I just met today but also to all the people in my personal life. Scott for one continues to be the back bone of my existence. I was so touched by the teddy bear (in a sling) and poster that welcomed me home on the front porch that he did with the kids. But my gratitude did not stop there. My local community came through for me in immeasurable ways. I am so grateful. Beth who took me to the hospital (stayed with me) and brought me copious amounts of pudding from Trader Joes that I ate ravenously. But the help did not stop there. Alexandra came over to bring our family dinner. Then Teri stepped up to watch me so that I would not be in the house alone in the house while Scott drove Alex to the Popkins for a sleep over. The help was like a bottomless well. So many people called, emailed me and sent me text to let me know that I was loved—and all of these expressions of love were so appreciated. I feel so overwhelmingly grateful to the universe for expressing its love for me in this form. I truly feel at one with my global family and am brimming with thanksgiving.

Family Bike Ride

The Cochrane Family woke up and was on the road by 7AM on Saturday morning. We had breakfast from the Duncan Donuts drive through—a rarity for us. Then our family headed to Cambridge on the Eastern Shore where we did a 12 mile family bike ride. It only cost 40 dollars to sign the whole family up which was incredible because the package came with shirts and was a well run event. Doing this bike ride was something that Scott planned. The family ride was a part of the 6 Pillars Century. The Six Pillars of Character are: Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring, and Citizenship. Our plan was to break the ride up into small pieces and make a few stops so Alex (our 8 year old) would not have any trouble completing the entire ride. On one of our water stops we were informed that the family ride was in honor of a 4th grader, Ryan, who passed away from a degenerative disease. His favorite color was green so the kid’s shirts for the ride were also green. Alex and Zefram signed the young boy’s poster and then helped themselves to popsicles and all sorts of juice boxes. Over all, the entire family had a good time on the bike ride. It was such a blissful experience to ride next to the water. We even got to see DuPont Estates which is part of the University of Maryland Environmental Research Center. It was incredible to see the house and all the old trees that must have been around for 100’s of years. The kids even stopped and saw lots of Oyster shells at one of the research centers. There were many memorable events along our ride but what I will remember most is the our kids. Miraculously, Alex rode the entire way on his own in 7th gear, which blew us away. He is so strong and fast and has an unending amount of energy; that must be why Alex does not have an ounce of fat anywhere on his body. As for Zefram, he rode on the back of Scott’s bike on an attachment that allows him to pedal or to coast as desired. The bike attachment is a really cool contraption that looks like a bicycle built for two and adds an extra 50lbs. Honestly, I don’t know how Scott was able to ride with Zefram on the back of his bike and maintain his balance. Zefram is constantly throwing himself from side to side whenever he gets distracted which is constantly. He reminds us of the dog in the Movie Up that constantly is distracted when he sees a squirrel or hears someone say the word “squirrel”. Interesting enough, Zefram’s number for the ride was 666 which just amused us to no end. We love him so much and are ecstatic that he had a good time. As for Athena, she rode in a carrier attached to the back of my bike like a princess in a palatine. Many people commented on her life of leisure yet she was not amused and fussed for part of the ride because the button on the carrier came loose and was blowing in her face. Overall the event was delightful and we are looking forward to doing more bike rides as a family this year. The way we see it, doing events (like this) as a family is crucial to building closeness. Plus, bike riding may help us establish good healthy exercise routines that will affect our family for a life time. Another thing worth noting is that bike riding as a family is a great homage to Scott’s Grandparents who were avid bike riders.

2009 in Review

To recap 2009, change was the main theme. This has been a year devoted to looking at our habits and how the Cochrane Family spends their time. In the beginning of this year Jena went to the inauguration of Obama and was filled with the sense of possibility that anyone can achieve anything despite race, religion or creed. On a micro level, our family addressed our dental hygiene issues, took a hard look at our finances & time management. We have refinanced our home, watched a friend die a noble death, questioned the idea of God, and changed churches to the Unitarian Universalist Church. Each of us has had a memorable year and has much to be greatful for: Scott is in his 9th year with Verizon Wireless. He became a Cub Scout Leader & participated in the Sea Gull Century bike ride as well as headed up Alex’s Destination Imagination Team for Crofton Woods Elementary School. Jena completed the 2009 Columbia Iron Girl Triathlon & became a Hospice Volunteer. Alex entered 3rd grade & is playing the Cello. Zefram graduated from preschool at Community United Methodist Child Developement Center and has started kindergarten at Crofton Woods where he is learning to read and behave. And, Athena is more charismatic then ever. We like to joke that this is her world and we just live in it. She truly is the Goddess.

Cultural Learning 101

Turning Friday Night into Family Night has spurred some wonderful and deep conversations within the Cochrane Family. Our children have been able to be engaged and learn from these conversations as much as the adults. Recently, we had Fatimah and her two children Wudood and Hanaa over for dinner. Alex my 7 year old son had a very special question for Fatimah which I broached with her earlier. “Why do you wear that on your head?” Alex asked shyly. My friend Fatimah is Muslim, and wears a head scarf. The rest of us held our breath because we did not want to offend Fatimah or her family by asking insensitive questions. These were our guests and our friends and we did not want them to feel on display. Fatimah merely smiled and very patiently answered that her headdress was called a “Hijab.” She went on to explain that she wears it out of reverence for God and as a symbol of her Muslim Faith. Alex then asked, “Do you ever take it off?” Fatimah laughed;” Yes, I take it off when I am alone or in the presence of my family. However if there is another male in the house who is not related to me I put it back on.” The conversation went on for a while and then Fatimah turned to her 12 year old son and asked him to explain further why she wears the Hijab so that it would be a learning experience for everyone at the dinner table. Wudood chimed into the conversation by saying, “It is to protect her beauty. “ Fatimah further explained that her beauty is a special gift that she reserves just for her family. The conversation took many twists and turns that night. Over pizza we discussed many of the religious and cultural differences (and similarities) between the Muslim and Christian Faiths. Our two families talked about the fasting for Ramadan in the Muslim Faith and the tradition of giving up something for Lent within the Christian Religion. That was a very special night in our house. Our home and our dinner table became the focal point of learning, sharing and understanding. Much of that conversation was as poignant as any formalized education our children will ever receive in school. Understanding, and therefore tolerance, starts at home regardless whether it is religious, racial, political or ethnic – and sometimes can take place over pizza. The bigger lesson to be gleaned from Alex’s question and the answer he received is love and respect. He asked a potentially impolite question in a respectful manner and received a thoughtful and detailed answer. Learning to respect and love everyone for who they are is a lesson we hope will last our children throughout their lives. Respect and Love and Understanding all lead to peace, and peace is perhaps the greatest manifestation of Gods love available to us on earth.

Mothers Day Madness

Like a bride on her wedding day—I got caught up on what the perfect Mothers Day should be instead of what it was. I was very focused on what I was not getting for Mothers Day. Scott slept in. He and the kids did not make breakfast and then Scott went off to give blood leaving me alone with 3 children to get ready for church. I was mad! It was evident that there would not be a reprieve from cooking or any of the chores that makes a day ordinary. By the time I got to church, the bitterness of being underappreciated was reaching deep into my soul.. As I just hinted at, the perfect Mother’s Day for me meant escaping the responsibility of child rearing for the entire day, and obviously that was not going to happen. But the feelings of wanting to spend Mother’s Day without my kids & family added an extra layer of guilt to my already consuming bitterness. I was almost so over consumed in self pity that I almost missed the wonderment of the day. There were extraordinary things that were happening all around me that my bitterness was blocking. Scott had given me a blackberry for Mothers Day to help me organize my life, a gift that I had been pinning after for a great many months. Also, he actually was going off to give his donation of blood in my name—a very thoughtful gift to say the least. To not be out done, Zefram’s school had done a luncheon for all the mothers in his class. They had read little bios about each mother which the kids had come up with. Mine started out this way. “This mother loves all the colors of the rainbow. She loves wearing church clothes, making walkie talkies. I like it when she makes me green eggs and ham” (which is something that I do every St. Patrick’s Day for the kids). Alex stepped up to the plate by writing a litany of verses that started out with “my Mom dot, dot, dot.” He filled the template in with “My mom can cook. My Mom can paint. “My Mom can sword fight”. That one really made me laugh, although it is true. “My mom is Love.” Wow! It does not get much better then that. Later on, I spotted Alex coming up the road with Ms. Mary; she is the 80 year old woman that lives next door. Mrs. Mary was pushing Alex’s bike and Alex had 3 huge alabaster stones clutched to his breast. He had found the stones in one of the neighbor’s yards and had asked them if he could bring them home for his Mom. Clearly I was not under appreciated. My family loved me and I needed to see the love from the place they were giving it.

Family History in 87 Year Old Table

Family history is so very important; just as important as the things that will be remembered in the history books. Thomas Carlyle said, “History is the essence of innumerable biographies.” Our personal history is what gives our lives structure and meaning. Last night I spoke to Grandma Kollar about the dinning room table that she gave us after our first child was born. Over the years ,we have become so accustomed to seeing the dinning room table that the Cochrane Family sometimes loose s the significance of what it means. Our dinning room table is over 87 years old! The table came with the first house that my Great-Grandparents bought in Cincinnati Ohio when they came from Italy in 1920. It was the table that the DiTommaso ate at, did their homework on, and entertained dignitaries from the Italian Consulate. It was the center of their universe and they used for everything. In the evenings the table was transformed into a formal setting with linens and candles. Mr. DiTommaso always sat at the head of the table and Emilia at the foot. The first born son sat to the right of his father and the other children filled the additional seats. Sometimes the table was transformed into a bingo parlor with fun for all. As a little girl, some of my earliest memories where of this legendary table; like my grandmother and my mother before me, I used to love to sit on the decretive claw feet of the table; something my children now enjoy doing this too—and it always makes me smile. Over the years I have developed my own special memories around this table. This is the table that we sat around when our loved ones passed away, it is the table we raised our glasses at when our children were born, and it is the table that we signed our contract for our current house on. We are so blessed to have this table in our midst that connects us to our rich family history. Someday our three children will share these incredible memories as well. For now, they are happy to play on the claw feet.